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Our 1 Blessed Mess
Honest conversations about faith, family, life, and business.
Ben and Liz have six kids, even more chickens, and a whole heap of chaos—but they wouldn’t have it any other way. Life is messy, unpredictable, and full of God’s blessings. Liz left a six-figure business to focus on raising their family and building an entrepreneurial home, while Ben, a designer/developer, helps keep their beautifully chaotic world running. With 4 teenagers and countless adventures, they tackle life’s challenges with faith, humor, and grace. On their podcast, they’ll encourage, challenge, inspire, and, most importantly, make you laugh as they share the ups and downs of finding God in the middle of it all.
Learn more at https://www.our1blessedmess.com/
Our 1 Blessed Mess
Ep. 14 - Raising Enjoyable Teens: Yes it's Possible!
Ever wondered if enjoying the teenage years is actually possible? As parents of four (soon to be five) teenagers, we've discovered it's not just possible—it's happening in our home right now. Despite the cultural narrative that teen years are something to survive rather than savor, we've found these to be some of our most rewarding parenting seasons.
In this episode we cover:
• Understanding the unprecedented challenges teens face today including seven-plus hours daily on screens
• The correlation between first-time obedience training and better teen outcomes, with 36% better conflict resolution
• Why embodied, face-to-face time (at least 15 minutes daily) is critical for today's digitally distracted teens
• The continued importance of physical touch, even with awkward teenagers
• Setting appropriate digital boundaries and using accountability software
• The "Dad Factor" and how father involvement dramatically improves teen outcomes across multiple metrics
• Implementing "dad dates" and special trips as rites of passage that help teens transition toward adulthood
Remember that teenagers are like brownies - they might be crusty on the outside but they're still gooey in the middle. Don't grow weary of doing good, for in due season you will reap if you do not give up.
For more info on how Active father figures make a difference in teens see https://americafirstpolicy.com/issues/fact-sheet-fathers-matter-pass-it-on
Your Listening to our 1 blessed mess, with ben and liz
Welcome to our one blessed mess. This is Ben and Liz, and we're here telling our story of raising six kids that we had in eight years, while managing an entrepreneurial home with two businesses plus homeschooling, and currently raising four, almost five teenagers. And we have seven chickens, two dogs and we're about to have some goats, and that is honestly just to keep life interesting. And so today's conversation topic is pretty exciting because I feel like I need to do a drum roll. Drum roll please, drum roll please. What are we talking about, ben?
Speaker 2:We are talking about teenagers, yes, and specifically we're talking about raising enjoyable teenagers.
Speaker 1:Yes, and it is possible.
Speaker 2:It is possible. It's possible, we know. There's a stigma out there yes, we do which states that you know teenage years are difficult and they're hard and you know there's all kinds of drama and we're not going to dispute that. No, but what we do want to say is that we have great teens and we've had some of our best years with the teens that we have in our family, and so we just wanted to bring a different perspective where we can bring some hope and some life to the teen years.
Speaker 1:Faith, hope and love that's what we're hoping to bring is some faith, hope and love.
Speaker 2:Faith, hope and love yeah.
Speaker 1:Yep, and we enjoy raising teens. Actually, we've enjoyed it. I remember this advice I've shared this before on other episodes that your mom gave me when we first became parents and I was so nervous about the terrible twos and I was like hearing about three majors and, oh my gosh, teenagers. And you know I worked as a youth leader. You worked as a youth leader.
Speaker 1:So we had been around teens and we were teens once right. Remember, yeah, those years and I remember her giving me this advice and she said I have enjoyed and loved every stage and every season. And I really took that to heart and I thought okay, because I literally would find other moms that had what I would consider successful teenagers, or other families that had successful teenagers, and immediately I would ask what is your advice?
Speaker 2:Can you?
Speaker 1:pray for me, Especially because when I did the math I was like there will be a season when we have five teenagers. We're four, almost five, right now. We're almost there, we're almost there, we're almost there, and so getting that perspective, I think, early on, helped me to embrace every single stage and season and not wish it away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I mean the Bible promises that children are a heritage, you know right, In Psalms 127, 4 and 6. So like we wanted to realize that in the teen years just as much as we wanted to in the, you know, cuter years when they didn't maybe talk back as much.
Speaker 1:Well, they smelled, but a different kind of smell, right?
Speaker 2:They weren't as smelly.
Speaker 1:They were. It was a little bit different.
Speaker 2:Or as awkward, or as awkward yeah.
Speaker 1:They're awkward to hug, yet they need hugs and I know we're going to be talking about that in a little bit. We want to talk about that physical part of touching and hugging your kids. Yeah, super important. There's a lot of science behind it, but, yeah, we have some. We have a fun story that we're going to share as well in this episode, but yeah go ahead. Let's jump in it, ben, because this is good.
Speaker 2:We got a lot of information to cover, so we're gonna we're just gonna hit the ground running here, but we do want to say that teens today we feel you know they are facing some unique, maybe even unprecedented challenges.
Speaker 2:They are facing some unique, maybe even unprecedented challenges. Absolutely, and what we're seeing is we're starting to get on the tail end, but the first generation of teenagers that have really grown up in that digital phone, screen-based lifestyle that's become the normative behavior for teens, and so much so that even now we we looked at some statistics basically teens spend seven plus hours a day on screens. Now that's not including school work.
Speaker 1:that's like seven plus hours of like entertainment entertainment, that's on social media, that's gaming, it's yeah, it's all the things. It's all the screens, all the screens, all the screens, all the screens, all the digital stuff, all the all, the all, the all the.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that that's unprecedented. I didn't do that as a teenager.
Speaker 1:Neither did I. You didn't do that as a teenager. No, because the internet came out. Yeah right, when I was a teenager. That's right, yep, exactly.
Speaker 2:So I mean, these are things that we just no other generation has faced, I guess, is what we're trying to say Like, this is something that's new, and so we have to be really careful, because our teens are kind of an experiment right now.
Speaker 1:They are, and there is more data that's coming out and you know, I feel like the world is waking up. I feel like parents are waking up.
Speaker 2:I know we've woken up. We have definitely woken up. We'll get into all that. We will, we will. That will be a future episode.
Speaker 1:And we are going to do it For those of you who are like stop telling us, it's a future one.
Speaker 2:Stop teasing it and do it.
Speaker 1:We're actually doing it. It's the one that's going to be after this. We're going to talk about digital.
Speaker 2:We're going to make that. The next one issue is at the forefront of one of the challenges that our teenagers today face.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And what comes along with that? Right, we know that teenagers are going to be exploratory. They're going to buck all the rules that we've put in place. It just comes naturally with every generation of young adults and teenagers is going to want to challenge the status quo, right? The problem is is that the teens are challenging in different ways digital ways now, where, as before, it was maybe more embodied or physical. But the rate of pornography and even sexting that's coming because of just the digital outlets that are available to kids and teens is kind of nuts, and so we're seeing a lot of just bad results.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's a lot of anxiety, depression, self-hatred, all kinds of crazy stuff that's coming, I mean, on exponential levels that our generation did not see and did not understand or know, and studies are coming out.
Speaker 2:We're getting data. Now. We've got a good decade under our belts with the kind of social media experiment the phone-based lifestyle experiment and how it relates to teens.
Speaker 2:What kind of things happen when teenagers are using that as the normative behavior and they're being withdrawn from the physical world, and so this is kind of really intense right and so we're going to talk about again I know we keep teasing it, but we're going to talk about more about that but this challenge is unique to this generation and we want to say that even Christian teens don't have it any easier because, on top of the digital stuff, now we're starting to get some data that also is not too great about our churches, and one of the things that we found was that one in 10 of Protestant churches have dealt with a known incident of child sexual abuse.
Speaker 1:So that's intense. That's 10% of the churches, right it is.
Speaker 2:And it's not great. And so not only do we have that where we've got some rampant stuff happening, but then on top of that, the normal anxiety that teens all experience. Christian teens aren't immune from that. So Journal of Religion and Health talk about how the rates of depression and anxiety are very similar between Christian teens and non-religious teens, but Christian teens are 40% less likely to seek professional help, so it might even be like just an extra layer of maybe not measuring up to the morality of their parents.
Speaker 1:Shame. They're feeling shame so they won't go to a professional because of what they're fearful of the repercussion when they really need help. Right, Exactly Right.
Speaker 2:So we just want to lay the groundwork and just say, hey, listen, teens are facing unprecedented challenges that maybe our generation didn't face and definitely generations before us didn't face.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, because they were dinosaurs. According to my kids, they're like mom were you alive when there was black and white television? Really, really, okay. There's some fun jokes there, yeah, just stop, keep going.
Speaker 2:So that's a little bit of the negative picture that we're trying to paint, and you don't have to think too hard to realize that some of this stuff is definitely true, but we do want to say that we found some success with our kids. We can genuinely sit here and tell you that the teen years have been great so far.
Speaker 1:We've enjoyed them. We really are enjoying them. Yeah, yeah, they're great. It's the truth, yeah it's the truth.
Speaker 2:It's not that we don't have our challenges. No, there's definitely challenges and we've had to work through some issues with some of our teens and even some of the issues that we just talked about, but really we've enjoyed it by and large.
Speaker 1:And it hasn't been that rainy cloud over our heads that we thought it was going to be. And also, I mean we are really enjoying them as people Like we want to be in their space, we want to spend time with them and they want to spend time with us.
Speaker 2:They want to spend time with us. I think that's the biggest thing that we've seen is like our kids actually get upset when we leave and they're excited to have us back even the teenagers and it's like Whoa, is it supposed to be like that?
Speaker 1:Even our most introverted most introverted one that we have out of the whole bunch. He loves us and wants to spend time with us. In fact, he'll even come in and sit in our bedroom. We have a chair in there and he'll come and sit in the chair and he'll just start unloading and just start talking. And I mean, I'm just blown away.
Speaker 2:It's different than what we thought it would be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a good way of putting it.
Speaker 2:I don't know if it's because I bought into all the negative hype.
Speaker 2:But it's just, I was expecting, I was putting my seatbelt on and expecting something way more intense, and it's been intense, but it hasn't been bad, it's been actually really good. So we just want to talk about a few of the things that we have done that, I think, help that experience we've had and again, we're not experts, we've done a lot wrong and we made a lot of mistakes but we do want to share with you because we feel like these things that we are doing and have done have made a big difference as it relates to our teenagers and how we enjoy them, and we have people who ask us.
Speaker 1:Exactly, I mean even this weekend, we had a family in our midst and the question came up. You know, after they've spent the whole day with us, they're like, wow, like what is it, you know? And so that's how come this episode is happening because we. Because we're like well, what is it? And we got into that conversation and so we just want to help. We want to help share the goods Right, some things that we found. Hopefully it helps you. If it doesn't, that's okay. Yeah, but we hope it does.
Speaker 2:So the first thing that we wanted to say is the first time obedience training.
Speaker 1:FTO, fto, f-t-o, f-t-o, f-t-o is one of our first episodes. You want to sing the song Slow obedience is no obedience. All right, there's more where that came from. So listen and obey. Hey, there's more where that came from. You can?
Speaker 2:go back and listen to our first time obedience episodes.
Speaker 1:There's two episodes. Yeah, there's two episodes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we did two, so we did want to plug that. The concept is basically that we start with immediate obedience and I know we know that kind of sounds heavy and harsh, but it's really majoring on the consistency of when adults give commands, that we have expectations that they're met, and there's research that actually correlates with this being healthy for children and then later the teen years. Right so we wanted to bring some of that up.
Speaker 1:And we do. And we do because, as we were getting ready for this podcast and finding these stats, it's like wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, stuff, we've known all along, but now it's qualified.
Speaker 1:Right, it's qualified. We're actually walking through it and we can point back and go because we made this decision. Then we are experiencing the fruit now. And we didn't really talk about that in our first time obedience podcast I mean our episodes, but let's get into it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I think this is so good, so rich.
Speaker 2:So one of the things that we found was that when children who experience consistent, clear expectations, they show 36% better outcomes in the teen years when there's conflict. So this is basically saying if parents lay down the law with consistent, clear expectations of their kids, that actually helps the parent-teen conflict resolution in 36% of the teens and parents that this study was taking a look at and that's the Journal of Research on Adolescence and again, that's by age 16. So that resolution, that conflict resolution, was affected at 36% in the positive way. So really setting the law at an early age can definitely bring you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it does Reap those benefits Well, because the kids feel safe, they do, they know, and that's what we experienced is that when we gave them something consistent and we modeled something consistent and it was both of us together.
Speaker 2:Then it was like they didn't have to second guess or they didn't have to play the game where they would come, try to get their way by challenging you versus me or me versus you.
Speaker 1:Well, they did try that some, let's be clear. I mean come on.
Speaker 2:One of us is more of a softie. We had a good front.
Speaker 1:We had a good front One of us is more of a softie, but we established between us that if those things were happening, if a directive was given by one parent, I wouldn't like if you said we would hold the line but maybe privately, I'd be like hey, that was really silly. Why are you doing that?
Speaker 2:or vice versa. You know, we wouldn't challenge. Yeah, that's no, that's a good point though right we wouldn't challenge each other's authority in front of the no, we back each other up yeah, we'd always back each other. And then privately we would say hey, that was, that was dumb thing we did, you know, and then that would start a whole other argument.
Speaker 1:But that's for another episode. Hey, 20 years, 20 years, keep going, keep going. So anyways, that's a pretty cool stat, and then here's another one.
Speaker 2:This is from Child Development, which is a journal. Teens who view their parents as legitimate authority figures from an early age were 42% more likely to disclose risky behavior to those parents.
Speaker 1:And honestly, we've seen that, like our kids are coming to us about things they tell us all the things I know, even today which apparently I have been sworn, not to say anything.
Speaker 2:I was sworn not to say too. Yeah, so independently. But we told each other.
Speaker 1:And great that child's going to watch this. That's right, yeah, wonderful.
Speaker 2:Hopefully we didn't just cancel that effect.
Speaker 1:But it's good, it is good, it is good.
Speaker 2:And I think it just means that we shouldn't be afraid to be authority figures. Right, we want to make sure we're nurturing our kids and we talk about that in First Time Obedience, those episodes.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, we really break that down and it's not an authoritarian like.
Speaker 2:Right, it's not authoritarian.
Speaker 1:And we talk about that in those episodes. But yeah, it's authoritative but not authoritarian. No, and there's a big difference, big difference, big difference.
Speaker 2:So, but that does reap this benefit of the kids when feeling more likely that they can trust you with something really important and disclosing those risky behaviors.
Speaker 1:Right, because your word is your word.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You've already established that.
Speaker 2:You've already established your trustworthiness, yes, and the kids and the kids see it, yeah, and they know it. So here's another one the adolescents who are raised with clear boundaries reported better communication with parents compared to those with inconsistent boundaries. All right, so that's Family Process Journal. So again, basically, that trustworthiness, that clear expectation, the authoritative boundaries not authoritarian but authoritative boundaries report better communication. The teens, the adolescents, they report better communication than those with inconsistent boundaries.
Speaker 1:And you know what I was just sitting here thinking, you know, as we're talking about this, like we were not perfect all the time, and these honestly like I feel like the younger years are like a blur you know, and there were highs and lows, and highs and lows, but we stayed the course, we did the best we could. And here we are we've got a shipload of teens and we've got emerging teens.
Speaker 1:We've even got one that's leaving the nest this summer. There's so many things that are going on and, even though we weren't perfect in it, we're reaping the fruit.
Speaker 2:We are we really are. We put the time in and now we're reaping the fruit. We are, we really are. We put the time in and now we're we're reaping the, the dividends really dividends from from all that training and it's been amazing. We can we can literally sit here and just say this is worth it, totally worth it.
Speaker 1:So it's hard, but it's way worth it so this weekend we had a family with us and um uh, we I gave a directive because some tours need to be done, there's some things that need to be picked up and that kind of thing, and I could go around and do all of it, but it would probably take me a good 30 to 40 minutes.
Speaker 1:but we have an army, so I'm like hey, you do this, you do this, you do this, you do this, and the kids stopped what they were doing our kids and they went and did it. And the mom that was with us turned to me. She goes wow, she's like they didn't even talk back, they just did it right away and I thought I didn't even know. You know what. You're right, like yeah, you know, because they knew that and it really only took.
Speaker 1:Like everybody doing their thing, maybe five to six minutes, but within a super short amount of time all the things that needed to be done got done, and then it was fine, everybody could go do what they needed to do. So, yeah, it does pay off to do that in the beginning years. So that they know when you say it, you mean it and they do it. So listen to those episodes if you need more information on it.
Speaker 2:So again, just establishing those boundaries early on and that consistency early on pays dividends in the teen years. So another thing that we felt was super necessary to talk about.
Speaker 1:Super necessary, super necessary.
Speaker 2:Super necessary.
Speaker 1:This is like explanation point highlighted starred arrows pointing.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, we need to talk about this Big old asterisk here. Yes, bold, this is that teens need embodied time.
Speaker 1:You're speaking my language right now, Ben.
Speaker 2:So what does that mean? What is embodied time?
Speaker 1:Right, what is?
Speaker 2:that concept.
Speaker 1:Are you asking me, are you?
Speaker 2:Sure yeah, let's ask Professor Liz what is embodied time it means face to face.
Speaker 1:It does it's your favorite thing Not phone to phone. No, not phone to phone.
Speaker 2:Face to face.
Speaker 1:Face to face, it means touching and connecting.
Speaker 2:Synchronous communication.
Speaker 1:Okay, you guys. Ben is really into this. I can't even say the word correctly. Say it.
Speaker 2:Synchronous.
Speaker 1:Synchronous. He's really been into this. It's kind of funny because he's been researching this for like a couple months.
Speaker 2:Yes, and it also goes into the whole mutual mind concept, which I know I've mentioned on a couple other episodes.
Speaker 1:And we'll dig more into that as well. One point, okay. So he'll come in, say it's morning, I'm having my coffee and he'll sit across from me and you'll say, hey, let's have, say the word again Synchronous, synchronous time, and so explain what this is.
Speaker 2:So I look at Liz and I look her right in the face.
Speaker 1:Yes, he's looking at me.
Speaker 2:And I give her my full attention.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:And she gives me her full attention.
Speaker 1:I bought an eyeball.
Speaker 2:And we're not distracted by a phone. Nope, we're not distracted by anything else going on.
Speaker 1:Kids.
Speaker 2:You know, it's like the sanctity of the moment. And we are living that to the fullest with one another. And we're prioritizing embodied recognition of the other prioritizing embodied recognition of the other and you.
Speaker 1:But what happens is you start mimicking my face, I do. I start smiling and you start smiling, and then I'll joke.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but there's so much there's so much brain chemistry going on, here we go, you guys, when we do that with one another. It is, it's insane Like.
Speaker 1:Can you imagine having your morning cup of coffee with these kinds of things? This is what he's saying to me. I'm like, wow, Okay, so if I scratch my face, he scratches his face and he's like just you know, but I do feel like you're really listening to me.
Speaker 2:Right. You know, I, I know that that's the goal. That's the goal. That's the goal is we're giving each other our full attention, and that's what our because we're synchronizing. Yeah, and basically throughout the day. Everything else is taking our attention. That's true, including our phones, our watches.
Speaker 1:Notifications.
Speaker 2:Our children Emails, all the things. So it's like we're living in a day and age where that synchronicity is not as common as it used to be.
Speaker 1:It's becoming rare. It's becoming rare and it's like disappearing in our world. Because, think about it You're in line at a grocery store. What is everybody doing?
Speaker 2:They're all on their phones and you know who it's disappearing the fastest for?
Speaker 1:Yes, our teens, our teens guys, makes you want to cry.
Speaker 2:We as adults, we've lived through enough life where we didn't have those major distractions to us all the time.
Speaker 1:I mean in the grocery store line, our biggest distractions was like the gum or the magazines there. Now I mean the kids are just straight on their phones. I mean kids are getting ran over because they're not looking up when they're crossing the street, Like it's just crazy.
Speaker 2:So, yes, so the whole concept that we're trying to say here, guys, is that we need face-to-face with our teens. We can't just expect to send them a text message or a little video clip that they can watch later. We need that synchronous time. Video calls is a little different. I mean, if you can't do anything but a video call, that's great. That's definitely on the right pathway. But being in-person, embodied, using our body to interface with another person, with our teens.
Speaker 2:That's what we're talking about here. That's proven to decrease loneliness. It's proven to help with anxiety and stress when we actually prioritize our relationships. And there's just so much like brain science. That happens when we are with one another and our sense of identity is being formed because that's how we belong is when we connect embodied.
Speaker 1:And so I'm going to insert something here real quick. So our oldest son has been working. He's in college, he's about to fly the coop, like there's so many things that are going on, so he isn't in our presence as much as the other kids, especially because they rely on us for a lot more things, like getting to where they need to be and all the you know, all the stuff, and he's more independent.
Speaker 1:So he's not always eating with us. He's, you know, he's out with his friends, but what was happening was, even though we will still have family dinner and things, um, we still were not getting that one-on-one time with him. And so a couple of months ago we made a decision what can we do so that we're face to face without distraction, spending time? And so we have a standing date with him one day a week where we go and we get breakfast with him and it's just him.
Speaker 1:There was one week. We brought his younger brother who's now an adult as well but his schedule isn't as crazy as this son because we are recognizing we only have a few more months before this son is out. You know, and, and, and it's changing. And so us doing that and being with him, um, and looking in the eye and talking with him and stuff and and putting aside all distractions, all the other things he has just eaten that up.
Speaker 2:He has. Yeah, he really has.
Speaker 1:So that's just a, that's an idea to put a plug in your ear if you need that.
Speaker 2:And so a lot of people say that you need at least 15 minutes of synchronous face-to-face time with your loved ones, and so we were just extending that to your teens. Yeah A day, yeah so 15 minutes a day with your teens. That, I believe, will make a huge difference.
Speaker 1:So, and I just want to say that you know, we have a lot of kids in our house, right, there's eight of us living in this house, and so there's six of them, and so 15 minutes a day, that really adds up to quite a bit. So I kind of break it up throughout the day and I'm kind of tracking that in my mind and making sure that I'm having touch points with every single kid.
Speaker 2:You're better at it than I am.
Speaker 1:Well, because probably I'm the mom and I'm the nurturer, naturally.
Speaker 1:And if anything's going on with any of our kids I've said this for years they go on my target. So you know they're all going through different stages and growing and feelings and emotions and boys and girls, and you know all the things that are happening and you know their little hearts going pitter patter for love, love. You know we've got some spring dance coming up and so I know, but anyway, but, but they, when they're going through something, they go on my target, and so what I mean by that is like for the week, whatever that child may be going through. So it means that I'm probably having more face face time with them. I'm praying for them, I'm communicating with them just to see them through, getting over that hump, you know, because they, they need that embodied time.
Speaker 2:They do, they do. And along with that embodied time that you know that 15 minutes of the synchronous face to face, you also need physical touch.
Speaker 1:Yes, and.
Speaker 2:I know that this sounds counterintuitive because generally when the adolescence comes, kids start to pull away physically from their parents.
Speaker 1:Yes, but what?
Speaker 2:we found is that it's still extremely important to hug our teens to reach out, affirm them, be affectionate with them, and there's studies that show that this actually not only helps them with the concept of feeling loved and having better security, but actually mental health as well, and it helps with body image. So there's several studies out there that correlate this sense of being affectionate and being warm, even with your teens. Yes, that will help them actually feel better about their own bodies. Right? That's crazy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and there was a lot of information that was floating around I know for a while about like a 10 second hug or a 12 second hug. And so you know, I started counting under my breath with my kids, especially my teenagers, making sure that I was hugging them. Now they are awkward. Some of them are super tall and they're very thin.
Speaker 2:Might not be easy, it may not be easy.
Speaker 1:It's like hugging a bag of bones. I'm like okay, they're clunky.
Speaker 2:They're awkward.
Speaker 1:But what I'm finding is when I get to probably second six, the sixth as I'm counting um, all of a sudden they, they, they lean into me, they they stop like being tense and they just relax and they lean into my hug.
Speaker 1:Now I'm little, you know, compared to our boys, a lot of our boys and so I'm sure that they're just like, okay, my mom's so little you know, but I make sure to hug them and even this morning, when he had devotions, I made sure to sit sit next to the team that happens to be on my target right now that I'm praying for that the Lord is, you know, is showing me things about this young man, and so I'm sitting next to him and I made sure to have that physical touch, you know, I made sure to sit right next to him so that he could feel that. And you know what ended up happening and ended up leaning in on me and putting his head on my shoulder and he's a big kid, yeah.
Speaker 2:You know Taller than me.
Speaker 1:Taller, yeah, taller than you, and so it's so, so important, and there's so much in health benefits too. I mean, you know, I'm thinking about people who are in nursing homes and things like that that there's been studies on if you're touching them when they.
Speaker 2:Yes, in fact, nature of human behavior came out with a study that said basically physical touch, such as hugging, can have a medium sized impact on not only our physical health but our mental health as well, and so that was a recent study and you know we correlate.
Speaker 2:just physical touch is good especially if it's inappropriately, and especially if we already know that. You know we've set that foundation of first time obedience and now we're moving into more of like that friendship and that you know, affectionate time, and not that we weren't doing it earlier, but that we continue to do it, it was easier.
Speaker 1:Well, it was easier when they were little.
Speaker 2:It was Because they would come and they would crawl into your lap and they would be in your bed, or you would read them a story.
Speaker 1:They were smaller. You know you had to pick him up and carry him around. And I'm just thinking about, you know, our one son. He's very introverted and you know he doesn't voice his needs like some of the other kids do. And I, and it was, I think, two days ago. Um, you know, I just saw him there and I he's one of the ones that you know, I make sure I hug every day, Cause some of the other ones hug me easily.
Speaker 1:you know they want that cause they're more physical touch. And so I went over and I gave him a big hug and you know, usually he's like a beanpole and he won't. You know, he's super stiff and as I was giving him a hug, of course, as I'm counting and making sure I get to the seconds not that it has to be a goal, but I'm just like, I just know when I get to a certain point you're going to relax.
Speaker 1:He totally relaxed and his face was beaming and it was like I, you know, I just I looked him in the eyes. I did that, you know, looking him in the eyeballs, and I just said you know, your dad and I are so blessed to have you in our family and you're such a gift to our family, you're such a gift to me. And you're such a gift to your father and yeah, and just yeah, and just encouraged him, and I mean his eyes and his smile was beaming, and that's the one that's, you know, on the spectrum.
Speaker 1:So you know, sometimes those kids don't want to be touched. But not when you have me as your mother.
Speaker 2:I'm hugging you. We'll put another asterisk here. Yeah yeah, setting digital limits.
Speaker 1:This is a very big one.
Speaker 2:Setting digital boundaries, just like we do in first time obedience right. We're the gatekeeper of kind, of the authority and the consistency and the expectations with our kids. Well, now we're moving into more of the digital gatekeeping.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And this, I think, makes a lot of difference.
Speaker 1:I think this is probably out of everything that we've talked about. This is slightly more important because of the age that these kids are living in, and I think, as parents, we know something is wrong, but we don't know what to do or what you told me this for years.
Speaker 2:Explain like your little spidey sense was going off for years and years. Yes, just lean into that for just a second.
Speaker 1:Okay, on which part?
Speaker 2:On when you brought in games for the first time? Yeah, and why?
Speaker 1:So we had our fifth baby and, for whatever reason, Ben felt like it was time to bring a wee into the house and I think the oldest at the time was six and I was like I don't know if I'm ready to enter and bring that in. And granted, the Wii had been out for years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and someone was getting rid of it. Yeah, they gave it to us. It seemed like a good opportunity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was a gift, and he's like I think this is great, It'll be fine, but I was like I don't know, I just think because I had seen, you know, people become addicted to the stimulant that the game gives. Like there's this whole. I mean we're, we'll get into that in our episode, but like that, yeah, we'll get into it the dopamine, yeah yeah, the dopamine cycle.
Speaker 1:And so I just knew it was unhealthy and granted, we were playing like we, tennis and like I mean it wasn't bad, but it was the beginning of the beginning and you were mostly concerned about it, not from the fact that you thought all video games were bad no, not at all you just were concerned about once we go down that path that's literally what I said to you it's so hard to turn around yeah, uh-huh, and then what happened?
Speaker 2:yeah, and so we went down that path and it was very hard to turn around.
Speaker 1:But we've turned the ship.
Speaker 2:We have. We've turned the ship because we've come into some research that we feel like is detrimental. Well, it's very important that we make sure it's not detrimental to our kids by just doing the unmitigated, unlimited digital hygiene.
Speaker 1:Well, we weren't unlimited. I mean, we've been very conservative. We have Like when you look across the board at families. We are extremely conservative. I mean our children did not get cell phones. I mean I remember when one of our daughters was in fifth grade. She was one of three fifth graders who did not have a cell phone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, in the whole grade. In the whole grade, not the class. She was the only one in the class Right.
Speaker 1:And you know we, our second grader, was like one of eight in his class.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Period. Right that didn't have a cell phone in second grade.
Speaker 2:So I mean we've been, yes, but tell them why. There's still some things that we're now realizing, that we want to make sure that we're setting healthy boundaries Exactly and so each kid is a little different, right.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Because each kid has different proclivities to that digital addiction. And it really is what it is right. We're not against all video games. We're not against all social media all that stuff.
Speaker 2:What it is is taking a look at your kid's natural proclivities to digest something that's unhealthy and not understand how to put a boundary there. And so if you get that spidey sense like Liz was getting lean into that you know your own kid Don't just do whatever other parents are doing just to keep up with the Joneses. You've got to be responsible for that child and if you know being on social media at eight years old is going to be detrimental, then don't do it.
Speaker 1:Right, right. Don't just join because other people are doing it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, and so we felt that and we started realizing that with our own kids and so we kind of squashed the idea of just letting them join in with other kids as far as having a smartphone, doing these other things, and I think it's really started to turn the ship for our family. The other thing that we do is we use accountability software. Oh yeah, and we have this one's important, we have kids are going to find stuff, even when they're not trying to.
Speaker 2:So if you just have an unfiltered Internet. It's basically like telling your kid to go take a sip from a fire hydrant.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's just impossible not to get blasted with all this other stuff Even for me, you know, and I'm an adult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's stuff that pops up all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's super critical that we are being that digital gatekeeper to make sure that our kids aren't getting exposed to stuff that they are not able to handle Right. This stuff is becoming increasingly intense and it's happening to kids earlier and earlier. And it's happening to kids earlier and earlier, and the research that we see is that this actually can have devastating effects in the well-being of our kids.
Speaker 1:And it does have devastating effects. And it does, it really does. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And the accessibility of it is something that is just so crazy. Right, we heard stories of our kids on the way home from school on the bus. And there's some kids showing videos that are inappropriate on the bus. And our kids are like, whoa, what the heck do we do?
Speaker 1:Yeah, we also had a neighbor. Yeah, yeah, there's been all kinds of things.
Speaker 2:It's just wild your kids. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:Right. And so having accountability software, being able to set clear expectations about what to do when they come across this stuff, letting them know it's okay if it happens.
Speaker 1:Right and I think that's the biggest thing is not shaming, not shaming.
Speaker 2:Right, but set a clear boundary and a clear expectation that your kids know to come to you. Right and then make sure that you aren't mad or upset. Instead, we have to use the Holy Spirit, number one but number two we know this day is going to happen, Expect it, have an answer for it and be ready to be able to just come alongside your kid and and and really just like show them love and show them a pathway forward, Right, Don't be surprised. Don't be shocked.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Have a plan to be ready.
Speaker 1:Well, and we'd much rather them do it on our watch than out in the world. Because you know we've talked about this in other episodes, but we want we, we want them to have that experience while they're under our care.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and not that we want it to be normative or anything like that, no yeah. But we also want to help them handle what happens when things go wrong.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And we want them to be able to feel secure with us to be able to share. So again, that goes back to knowing that we have clear boundaries, we have clear expectations, and then we feel that they'll be more likely to share and they have so far, it's been good.
Speaker 1:Now, the software that you use, are you going to share that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I use a couple of different things. I know that one of them is really popular is PureEyes. I don't use that one. I'm trying to remember the one that I actually use. Oh no.
Speaker 2:We'll put it in the show notes, but there's several of them out there. They're all really good. They all do lots of different things and there's all kinds of ways that you can do it. You can filter on device, so Apple has the iOS that you can set content restrictions with that happens at the phone and the actual software, and so you can lock down apps. You can lock down the internet. You can do whatever really you want with your kids' phones, and we do so. We do that.
Speaker 1:So you can lock down apps, you can lock down the internet, you can do whatever really you want with your kids' phones, and we do so.
Speaker 2:We do that. Yeah, we do that. Android does the same thing right, you might have to go to someone that's a little bit more technical to help you, but there's ways to restrict access. And there's even other things where like if kids are getting text messages, things like that there's actually software you can put on that filters images and things that come through text. So there's ways to really be vigilant about it.
Speaker 1:We know that we're not going to catch everything, but if we're intentional, I think that's going to help a tremendous amount Exactly, and also I mean, like we said, when the kids do encounter something, that there's already been a conversation, that we've had with them, so they don't feel the shame immediately they know to go to us. Yeah, and we've. I mean, we've talked about it as a family. Not some now. The younger one is older.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:You know we can talk about it with everybody, but for a while there it was just with all the older ones. You know just as age appropriate because they're on devices.
Speaker 2:Right, exactly.
Speaker 1:And we know that they are. We're in a world that I mean you. I don't know how you could live without the internet Like there's no way. You have to learn how to do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I mean, and even if you can invite your kids into your own struggles, right, If this is an issue for you and you can talk about how you've overcome and how you're getting accountability, even with your own like digital hygiene, like that is tremendous Well time blocking.
Speaker 1:You know when you're on social media. You know you don't pick up your phone until a certain point in the day you know to check emails and notifications and things like that. So yeah yeah, there's. Anyway, we will get into more of that in another episode we have a whole thing that we want to talk about.
Speaker 2:But we do have a story real quick about our accountability. This is very, very funny.
Speaker 1:This is very funny. So this just happened in January.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:We were traveling, you and I were traveling.
Speaker 2:We got the report.
Speaker 1:We got a report that came in. It was about a few days past right. Because we get the report a few days past.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And Benjamin. What was in the report? What was in the report?
Speaker 2:Well, the keywords were nude and woman or nude and woman body.
Speaker 1:Yes, and so we were like oh, boy, here it comes. So you, we were actually in a coffee shop and you called me over and you said, oh dear. And I was like, oh no. So then you start going through. Who in the world would be looking that up? Right, right, so we're thinking, okay, it's gotta be the boys or thinking all this kind of thing, and you sent a message because not all of our kids have cell phones. We have an age that we give our kids their cell phones, and so anyway.
Speaker 2:Which is 16. We can say that, yep 16, because just they're not? A lot of reasons, a lot of reasons. They're not ready. Do the research on that. Yeah, you do the research on that, and then yeah, yeah, and we'll talk about that in another episode.
Speaker 1:But anyway, and so the ones that do have cell phones? You ask the question.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I sent a text out. I was like, hey guys, we're not mad, but this is what came across our filter. We're going to have a conversation, so we just kind of like prepped everybody like hey, this is coming, this is coming Be ready. We're going to ask questions and then we're going to do the whole thing oh boy, thing oh boy, and then yeah.
Speaker 1:So then it was like, uh, one of our children did not do well with that and just started panicking yeah and it was really wild. And this one, this one doesn't handle correction.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, yeah, we have to be very sensitive with this particular person, and so I kind of just said the same thing to everybody, and so this kid started going into hyperdrive and was like could it be this, could it be that, could it be that? Oh no, I didn't do that, I didn't do this. Oh, maybe it's this. Oh my gosh, maybe I messed up. And so we were like well, I guess we know who the guilty party is. We're thinking. We're thinking that's what we're thinking.
Speaker 1:We're thinking, that's what we're thinking, we're thinking, and.
Speaker 2:I say to you maybe we shouldn't have sent that message just yet.
Speaker 1:Maybe we should have waited, because we still had a few more days until we got home and this individual turned in their phone and they were like I'm turning it off and I mean went to the extreme.
Speaker 1:The extreme which, by the way, may I say, I am like that. That is kind of part of my personality where it's like, if there's any possibility that I could be in trouble, I'm like to the nth degree. So black and white Ben's shaking his head right now because I am just like I don't want any part of anything.
Speaker 2:It's like this conviction in me it's like 100% on or 100% off. Yeah, there's no in between.
Speaker 1:As this kid of ours was reacting this way, I was like, oh, I get it. I totally get it. So we get home, and it's been a few days. And then we have a family devotion and at the end of devotions you bring in the search Nude body. Woman nude body, we just want to say we're not mad.
Speaker 2:We just want to say that we do expect you to come to us and let us know if it was you and we want to give you some time. So take a couple of days if you need to so you can get your courage up, but we really do want you to come on your own accord.
Speaker 1:Exactly and tell us if it was you, and again.
Speaker 2:We're not mad.
Speaker 1:I and again, we're not mad you know I shared some of like my journey and you know it's basically like ah, so this is going to be really awkward, but, um, so I was the one that researched um nude and woman's nude body and the reason is is because my body's changing and I didn't really know. I mean, I know we've read the book before cause we like have them read a book like you know. As mean, I know we've read the book before because we like have them read a book. Like you know, as they're developing, we have a girl book and a boy book, but she hadn't looked at the girl book in a while and so she's just kind of curious and just really wanted to know. And I said, well, oh, and she says and when I typed in, nothing really came up because we have these filters.
Speaker 1:And then so then I put in this and so this is really awkward, I don't know what to say, I don't want to say anything in front of the whole family, and I was like, oh, and then she says I went and I found the body book and you know that we went through. And then I looked through it and had the answers and I was like great.
Speaker 2:So that was not the kid that was freaking out. No, so no that was a little bit of the drama of our our family filter and you know and and it ended up being a cute story, but yeah, and then we.
Speaker 1:you know yeah, we, yeah, it was a hunt, but then you know what was good is she came to us. And also what was good is that the other one who was panicking we walked them down off of a ledge. I mean, they're talking like well, three years ago, and we're like it wasn't three years ago. We've already talked about three years ago and we've had that discussion and we're not bringing any of that up because that is over and we know OK.
Speaker 1:so here we are, three years now and this is last week and anyway, it was just very funny, but yeah, yeah, so, anyways, I think we've hit that point to death there.
Speaker 2:But just know that, like, the kids are going to look to you as the model for that exemplary behavior with digital devices and so a lot of this stuff. You can't cram down your teen's throats unless you're modeling it too, so just keep that in mind. That's something that we've really tried to work hard on. We're not perfect, obviously we still mess up. We still do things that we say we shouldn't be doing.
Speaker 1:You mean binge watching fail?
Speaker 2:What is it?
Speaker 1:Fail videos. I can't handle them. Of course they all.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was going to say my kids don't complain when that happens. No, they all sit together and they just watch one person getting hurt after another person. I can't handle them. I leave, I start doing laundry or something, yeah, okay. So last point, this one might be the most impactful. I know we've said that, for like every point.
Speaker 1:It's all of it. It's a whole enchilada. This one's really good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is kind of the third point we wanted to hit is that an active father builds the best teens, and what I mean by that is not that we are diminishing a mother's love or a mother's impact on teens, no that can't be understated.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Moms are nurturers by nature, and there's so much that comes from the mom. But we have so much data and I mean mountains of data.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of data.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, there's so much on here. I hope you can get it all in, yeah. I probably won't be able to state all these facts, but my gosh, if you ever wanted to find out what a very deterministic factor is, for teen success.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Go look at the teens with fathers. Without fathers and I mean an active father makes a ton of difference.
Speaker 2:And so I just want to hammer that home real quick. There's 10 that I cherry picked that are super, super good. So I'm just calling this the dad factor and I'm going to just rattle these off. These are all from different independent studies. Teens with involved fathers are 75% less likely to develop depression and anxiety disorders. That's from the Journal of Family Psychology. Father involvement is associated with a 48% reduction in suicidal thoughts. That's American Journal of Preventive Medicine. Teenagers with actively involved fathers are 80% less likely to be incarcerated US Department of Justice. That's amazing. Adolescent pregnancy rates are approximately seven times higher for father-absent female teens. That's from child development. Wow, Teens with involved fathers are 39% more likely to earn mostly A's in school. Us Department of Education. Father involvement increases college graduation rates by 41%.
Speaker 2:That's so good graduation rates by 41%. That's so good. Teens with involved fathers are 68% more likely to report feeling secure in their own identity. Young women with healthy father relationships are 42% more likely to report satisfying romantic relationships. Young men with positive father influences are 45% less likely to exhibit violent or abusive behavior in their relationships. Teenagers are 63% more likely to continue religious practice when fathers are actively involved in family faith. National Study of Youth and Religion. There's so much more and I will drop a link to some additional stats, but I was just blown away. I mean, I knew that having an active father makes a difference.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But I didn't realize how much data we have collected over, especially over the last two decades, that just make that point so massively. You just you can't understate it right. No, you can't. And it really helped me to see that, like you know, my time with my kids Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm doesn't have an active father in their lives. It just made me see the potential of even my own time as not only sacred but just super influential to be able to plug into other orphans and maybe even widows who are raising teenagers like dads out there.
Speaker 2:We have something to offer that is super important and can be super influential in kids' lives, and we know we can't replace an active father who's a natural father. But we can supplement right. We can do some work that can make a massive impact in the success rate of these teens.
Speaker 1:It's good, and I was raised in a single parent home. Yeah, and my dad. We would only see him one day a week for like four or five hours, just because he worked a lot and it was on his day off, but he was a mechanic, so he's always working. When we were there and there were men who um other fathers that were in our church community that um still poured into us kids and and with my brother, and you know it's like the Lord sent helpers.
Speaker 1:And so you know, it's looking back now and thinking about the examples that were around Um and and I love my dad, you know, but he only could do what he could do and, truthfully, when we were there for those four or five hours, by the time we hit the teen years, we really didn't really want to be around him either, because it was boring.
Speaker 1:He was working on cars, you know like okay, you know, but there were men that stepped up to the plate and came and did pour into us and I didn't even know these facts. And, you know, when I look at my sisters and myself, you know and and my siblings, it's like, well, most of us pretty much made it most of us did, but jury's still out on jury's still out on some of them. But no, I'm just kidding, but seriously, it it matters. Yeah, you know it does matter.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it does matter so what do we do like? We recognize this, not those stats, but we recognize the importance of having dad kind of come in, especially, especially in the preteen and teen years. Right and we didn't naturally know that we had another family that we looked up to. That was like hey, you got to do this and we're like, okay, great, let's try that.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And so this family that we modeled these two behaviors I'm going to talk about from. Basically, it told us when your child gets about 12, set aside an entire year where the dad takes that kid out on dad dates right so they're spending one-on-one time. That embodied synchronous time.
Speaker 1:Yes, and why is it dads? Why is it not moms?
Speaker 2:Because dads have this ability to call out the destiny and the identity of their children Right, and I think it's the way God made us. As fathers, we have that authority, especially when the kids are younger. Like it's important for, I think, the fathers in particular to be that authority figure. We already talked about, kind of the elephant example from first time obedience. I love that story. That's definitely applies here. But even more than that, instead of just being the person who says no all the time sets the boundaries, you also are the one who tells your kid hey, this is where you're going now. I'm calling you into your destiny, calling you into adulthood, I'm championing you. And there's even studies about how, culturally, there were rituals where you would call young teens into manhood, into womanhood, and how we've as a society, as a secular society, we've gone away from those rituals.
Speaker 2:And so this is one way that we can bring that kind of concept back, where the father is saying to the teen hey, it's time to now take the next step. We're progressing, we're being called into our destiny and into our identity, and you don't even have to use that language, you just be like, hey, this might be where your job is, but it's that same concept of like you setting the vision higher for your kids not just to go play video games all day or to jump on social media or whatever, but think beyond living with your mom, and I Think beyond that when?
Speaker 2:do you want to go? What do you want to do? What do you? Want to be casting a vision for your kids to to like move out of the nest, I think is super imperative and it's a traditional role that the fathers have have taken on.
Speaker 1:Right, and I was just thinking too. You know cause you're going to talk about dad dates and then, what came with that. But you know, I've had people ask me well, how come you're not the one that's doing mom? Dates and I thought well, probably because I'm the mom and I have the heartbeat of the child already. I know what's going on, and it's not that you were absent or anything, it's just that one-on-one time with just dad is so precious and it shapes them.
Speaker 2:It has, and we've seen it. We've seen it. How many kids have we done it with so?
Speaker 1:far, you're on your fifth one. I'm on my fifth kid. You only have one more to go, yeah.
Speaker 2:So we've been doing dad dates with our fifth child At 12 years old.
Speaker 1:She's 12 right now.
Speaker 2:Right, and so that's been a lot of fun.
Speaker 1:So when they turn 12, let's get practical. So when they turn 12, you start your one year of dad dates and at the end of the year you go on a dad trip with them and they get to pick and choose what they want to do.
Speaker 2:That's right, so it culminates yeah so the end of that year period of doing the dad dates, we do a dad trip and that's like a coming of age trip. Again it's like a ceremonial or just like a rite of passage and I let the kid plan the trip. I give them some parameters, so it's not just like carte blanche here.
Speaker 1:Well, there's some ideas. Oh yeah, I want to go to England. I'm like, well, if you're going to England, mom's going. End of story, that's not happening.
Speaker 2:No, it's not happening. We're staying in the States, but typically we've.
Speaker 1:Pretty much always stayed in our state. We stayed in state actually, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Not just the States, but in state. But typically the kid has some ideas of where they want to go, what they want to do, and so I give them some parameters, we talk about how long it's going to be, what they really want to do, and pick the top three things, and then we plan it out. And it's been just a blast. I mean, it's been so fun. I feel like I get to know them. I feel like I get to know their heart what they want to do.
Speaker 2:We have loads of conversation, especially on the way down. Sometimes we'll listen to an audio book. There's just so much time to get into the heart of the kid and figure out how can I champion them? Where do they want to go in life to get into the heart of the kid and figure out, like, how can I champion them? You know right, where do they want to go in life, what do they want to do? How can I just?
Speaker 1:come behind them and just kind of give them that gentle push. So well, and in the midst of you having the dad dates and the and the trip, it's like you're building that friendship with them because they're in the report because they're about to become of an age that all that matters to them is really friends.
Speaker 2:I mean they want their mom and their dad, but we want them to know that we're in their corner.
Speaker 1:Mom's always in their corner, but dad is really in their corner and um and dad is always in their corner, you know. But it's just like reestablishing that. And here we are. We were years past from even our first couple of the kids going through it and it has paid dividends, and it really has has.
Speaker 2:They all talk about their dad trips. They all compare about their dad trips they say who got the best dad trip?
Speaker 1:you know, it's like, it's so funny to see it. Some of them really like use their wheelhousing.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, oh they have some kids that are very competitive, and so they were able to tweak the system and get all kinds of all kinds of goodies out of their dad trips. Some got even video game devices, which yeah, kind of.
Speaker 1:Well. I was thinking about how one of our kids worked it so well that he got to do iFly twice. Oh yeah, I mean yeah.
Speaker 2:Some of them know how to work the system Anyway.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's fun. It's fun, but it's been really good to do.
Speaker 2:It has been good and we highly recommend it. And so that comes to the conclusion of those three big points that we wanted to make.
Speaker 2:It's like you know we want to make sure that you start with first time obedience. We want to make sure that we're setting that foundation, then going into needing embodied time and then also excuse me having an active dad and like really being intentional with bringing the father into the early teen years and setting like a good relational foundation. So we've seen that and it's been amazing and we really feel like that has helped us, helped our teens. And it's just been the X factor that we needed.
Speaker 1:So yeah, yeah, yeah, we really appreciate it.
Speaker 2:And so, just in closing, you know like we wanted to just state that, um, it's really about that marathon mindset, right? It's not about like trying to do, uh, all this all at once, but just incrementally, like setting some things, doing some things, thinking that you know you're going to have years where your kid's a teenager and all these little things add up. And so start early and often and make sure you're making those good deposits that that equal into some big.
Speaker 1:you know outcomes and I would just want to say I've said this before in another episode, but I got some of the greatest advice from a woman who had 10 kids and, um, I just asked her one day. She was here and some of her kids were already married and she had grandkids and she still had some at home and I said, okay, I have some teenagers now, but I'm gonna have a lot of teenagers like you. I'm like, what is your advice? I need the secret sauce and she said well I, she goes.
Speaker 1:They're still kids, she's like, but I think of them as brownies. They're not completely done in the middle. They they're not completely done in the middle, they're still ooey gooey but they're crusty on the outside. And I have carried that little bit of information as I've been working with all of our teenagers, watching them grow up their friends here at the house and just all the things and just remembering that they're big, they're puppies, they're just bigger and they're floppy and they're really.
Speaker 1:Honestly, they still want to please you and they still want to do good and you know they, yes, their emotions are going up and going down and their voices are cracking and they're a little smellier and you know they're not showering. I mean, I just found out, apparently, that one of my teenagers went for a solid month without bathing.
Speaker 2:No a month.
Speaker 1:That's what he told me.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:I know I'm not kidding you, which makes sense because, um with helping him with his laundry, uh, there was hardly ever any clean underwear, and so I'm so grossed out Like literally he brags about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know I'm like how did that?
Speaker 1:happen and he thinks it's really cool. I have no earthly nor heavenly idea and I really hope that he is like counting one day as a week, like it was just four days or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that sounds more realistic.
Speaker 1:Well, I don't know, but this is what he told me. Okay, but my point is is like they still want to hear they're doing good, like they, they, you know, we always hear like if you have a criticism or something, sandwich it in between two slices of praise. Right so you know, remembering that they're human and they're developing and we're just here to guide them and we're going to make them responsible adults. That's what we're working towards.
Speaker 1:And we want them to be independent and we want them thinking and forward thinking, and you know this is a journey, this is their middle ground until adulthood. And I don't want to look at it like how I was so fearful and just like so scared and now it's like I love teenagers, I love teenagers.
Speaker 2:So much so that you volunteered to teach a class.
Speaker 1:I've been teaching a class with a bunch of teenagers and I am just loving it. I mean, I just see the beauty in these kids, you know, and they're fun and their humor is hilarious, you know. I may not know all the weird words like skibbity or whatever those words are now, but but anyway, I know if our kids were in here and they'd be like mom, you know, or Riz, or I don't know, whatever the words are.
Speaker 1:But um, you know, I'm enjoying the teen years you know and I'll enjoy the next season for each of them. And you know I don't, I don't want to squander it because there may be tension. Are they my best friends? No, I'm still their parent, but they are. I have friendship with them.
Speaker 2:We do have friendship with them and we want to hang out with them.
Speaker 1:We want to go do things with them. We want to play board games. We, you know we we played Texas Hold'em and it's hilarious, Like there's. It's very competitive in our family. You know, there's we. We, we do fishbowl, which is basically charades, and the kids come alive, and we're we, you know, do all kinds of things. You know we go on hikes together and stuff, and is it all roses?
Speaker 1:No, Is there arguing and bickering and all the normal stuff all the normal stuff, but it's just part of learning and instead of looking at it as like when can I get past this season, like when they were little, and you're like, when can I get through the potty training, I'm like I'm wanting to savor these moments with our teens. And so anyway, I hope that's encouraging to everybody.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I hope it is, I think so, yeah. And again, we just want to stress that we're not perfect and that we're not experts, but we really felt like these couple of things have made such a big difference in the raising of our teens our enjoyable teens, our enjoyable teens yeah.
Speaker 1:Big floppy puppy.
Speaker 2:That's right Teens Crusty brownie gooey in the middle Teenagers.
Speaker 1:Some are more gooey than others.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is true. Yeah this is true. So we have a couple of scripture takeaways that we'll end with, but Deuteronomy 6, 4 through 7. Hear O Israel, the Lord, our God. The Lord is one, you shall, and so you know. I just feel like even what we're doing with teenagers, it's all about setting the expectation, setting the foundation, teaching them the way they should go, sharing with them God's commands.
Speaker 1:And we're just depositing you know, layer by layer, brick by, brick.
Speaker 2:We're helping them build their whole person, so I just feel like that's kind of a great takeaway from today.
Speaker 1:Yes, but make sure you read Galatians, 6, 9.
Speaker 2:Oh, go ahead Watch it.
Speaker 1:Okay, it's so good and let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up. And so, mamas and dads, don't give up. Just don't give up. If you need help, reach out to those that are around you that maybe are in your community. Ask for prayer, be talking to your teenagers, communicate with them. I promise you, if you go before the Lord in prayer and you begin to make your petition known, he'll give you ideas, he'll give you insight. Like I told you earlier, when I've got a teen that's going through something, or any of our kids that are going through something, they go on my target, you know. I mean whether it's, you know, being conceited or maybe bragging or lying, or oh please bickering.
Speaker 1:You know anger. You know there's things that are happening and it's like, okay, you know this, this, the Lord gives me insight. You know as's things that are happening and it's like, okay, you know this, this, the Lord gives me insight. You know, as I begin to pray for that particular kid, the Lord will give me insight, and I've invited others at times to pastors to speak into our kids or to pray with us. And uh, you know, it takes a village.
Speaker 2:Don't grow weary, Do not give up. Do not give up For all you dads out there that might be minimizing your impact. Look for outlets where you can speak into the lives of other children who don't have an active father. That's good. So just be cognizant of the need for that and be aware of how much power and influence that you have just by being a father and a father figure in other people's lives.
Speaker 1:That's so good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, don't grow weary in doing that either.
Speaker 1:So Well, that was quite the topic, that was Woo, that was Boy.
Speaker 2:It was a good one.
Speaker 1:Enjoyable teams. So we just want to say thank you for being a part of our One Blessed Mess today. Don't forget to subscribe and to share with a friend who may need this encouragement. You may know somebody who's raising some teens or has a teen and you're like, hey, I've got a great podcast that you should listen to. They have an episode on raising enjoyable teens. They have four, almost five. It's a youth group. We literally have a youth group in our house, but just remember to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. We do have some pages set up and we love hearing from you when you DM us and send us messages or comment. I mean, it is so exciting to hear from you and what you get out of what we're sharing. And also, if you have a question or you're wanting to hear us talk about something, let us know, because we would love to tackle that as well. So, until next time, embrace your beautiful mess, because if our mess can what Be blessed, then what then?
Speaker 2:Then soak in yours.
Speaker 1:That's right.
